happy birthday to me

another year older, another year wiser...

every time i woke up on the morning of my birthday this is what i tell myself. i'm 36 today. definitely older but not wiser. i had my share of ups and downs in life. i have an almost perfect family who loves me dearly. i'm good at school and got a fairly good amount of friends. i have a happy childhood, so to speak, in spite of my parents (grandparents, uncles and aunts) being strict. i love my siblings. we are all crazy when we are together.

and then i fell in love (ha ha ha). my then boyfriend and i elope during college. to make the long story short, we got married young, under graduate and both jobless. with a kid coming. thus, the downs of my life begins.

don't get me wrong, being a mother is the most rewarding job in the world. i love my daughter so much. she means everything to me. but i cannot say the same thing to as being a wife. we hurriedly tied the knot without fully knowing each other, thinking that being in love is enough. we are wrong, so wrong. we grew apart, putting it simply. until recently i came to realize that our relationship is irreparable. no amount of apologies can take away the pain we inflict on each other. clearly, we are nearing the end.

i know how sad that sounded but my husband is not the reason of my being melodramatic on the night of my birthday. it's the missed opportunities in life. the things that i want to do but never had a chance to do so. the timing doesn't permit. the schedule doesn't allow. and the budget is so scarce. i have my priorities now. that is the downside of being an adult. you cannot only think of your self. 

a friend ask me time and again when will i have a life. and i was thinking, isn't this the life i'm living? if it is, i wanna die. seriously, i am not really 'complaining'. but lately, i find it hard to even give a genuine smile. i had to be okay so that everyone around me will be okay. i am not a luxurious person. a simple plate of cake can make my day.  but this past few months i am always on the verge of crying. and it's embarrassing even for  a dramatic queen like me. 

well, the truth is, i don't know what is wrong. i don't know what i want. i don't know how to find my sunshine. i really don't know what to do. serendipity is a strange word for me, not in my dictionary. i guess i am still on a pursuit. 

anyways, my wish on my birthday is that i hope to find my sunshine soon. i cannot function fully if i'm not inspired. so far, music is my refuge. an escape to my ordinary world. guess, i'll need to put my headset on now and be somewhere else...goodnight!